Throw me a life line

It had been just over three months since Shay was accepted into the Faolchú by sheer luck. Even though he was gold it was for his intelligence he couldn't believe them. After all he was useless and stupid....he couldn't fire a gun...raise a sword maybe they accepted him in pity....most likely. Heck even Miss Quinn was more use then him and she was blind...

But...at least he was close to his real father. But he could barely keep his words straight when speaking to him. His b.p.s would kick in when ever the other tried to give him any forum of contact he would flinch away. Quite violently ducking away when ever those hands would reach out to him. And he hated it. The many times he had cried his eyes out in the new pillows in the new bed in the new apartment they had given him. He was worthless....He should just end it all and save them the money and time they were investing into him.

HE sighed as he sat watching the others train from the side lines. Book in lap a cooler full of water and a first aid box beside him. This was the role he played in training. Water boy/first aider. He couldn't even lose himself in the pages of Terry Pratchett's Snuff.....Stroking the pages of the book he looked to over to his father. Yes he could never tell the older man he was his son. He could already predict the look of disgust he would get if he found out.

The pole twirled and slammed down onto her opponents sword, their weapon barely coming up in time to block the blow. With an agile flip and jab, she held the point to their neck, her eyes always staring at them and yet... not. She wasn't sure how many people within Faolchú knew she was blind, but she was sure it would only add insult to injury as the pair straightened up and relaxed. A thin sheen of sweat had formed over their two bodies and she grinned to her partner, shaking their hand before they went their separate ways. The tall woman took a deep breath, brushing away a few stray strands of her fiery hair that had gotten loose from their ponytail, green eyes now turning to the rest of the training area.

Fiachra was off sparring with Rourke, and where.... She paused for a moment and tilted her head as her brows furrowed, casting out more rapid fire pings to the Dragon's Pulse as she looked for Seamus. Ah! There he was! A small smile easily spread across her lips as she saw he had taken to his usual place on a bench with a book with a first aid kit on one side, and a lovely looking cooler of water on the other. Poor boy, he really was a green horn and he seemed to be having trouble adjusting a bit. He too often seemed off to the side, and just so... timid. It really bugged Rosaleen and made her worry about him. He was a brilliant lad, and that was nothing to count for naught. So she strode over to the weapons rack and placed the spear into its proper place before striding over to their young member, giving him a wave as she drew close.

"Hey there Seamus, what book are you enjoying today?" She asked with an easy smile, picking up a water bottle from the cooler. She had gone with creme form fitted pants today with her usual brown boots on her feet, a white flowy sleeved shirt with a couple of ruffles on her torso. There was a deep blue cinch about her waist, her usual green pendant necklace about her neck, accenting her eyes beautifully. She pulled off her black leather gloves before opening up the bottle, taking a seat next to the young boy.

He jolted hearing her voice which drew him out of his mind. Looking up at her his eyes connecting with her blind one. But she could still see in a sense. He blushed slightly feeling lost for words as her beauty over whelmed him for a second. He tried to suppress the flinch as she sat but he failed as usual as he flinched and scooted over a bit. "Ah...um Snuff...by Terry Pratchett..." He looked down at the book placing the battered bookmark in it's place shutting it.

"Oh..." He said quietly as he remembered he had a gift for her. Digging through his bag he pulled out a old looking book it's cover a little tattered and dust stained from being long forgotten in some deep box in a dark forgotten room. "I know you wanted to read Colour of Magic....so I hunted all day in the library and found a braille version for you." He only ever sounded confident when it came to books. placing the book in the gap between them he fiddled with the similar one in his lap. Flinching when the loud barks of Fiachra echoed across the field.

Drawing his knees up resting his chin on them he watched out as the battle between giants rumbled in the distance. Why was he here again? Maybe... Maybe this was a sign. Looking to Rosaleen he gave a weak fake smile. "There's a whole box of them in my room....Book's in braille...the library had forgotten they had them so I took them home to give them a clean...but they don't seem to want them back so...you could have it if you want..." I don't think I’ll be around much longer....

His journal sat glaring back at him in his satchel bag the 4 colour biro clipped on it's side for when he wrote. Reaching in he pulled it out to place it on his lap. He wondered if anyone would ever read this...the musing of a crazy broken person? Unlikely....He wondered if it would be like those programs where they cleaned out the homes of those who were found weeks after there deaths. Having no one who cared to check up on him. He looked to Rosaleen and smiled weakly. "Your training is going really well...No one would know you were blind..."

Rosaleen's expression merely softened further as she observed his jolting reaction to her sudden presence. He really must have been deep in thought. That, or she retained whatever abilities she had on sneaking up on people. She could not, however, see that he was blushing, only that he stared for a moment before flinching and giving her room. Was he really that uncomfortable amongst their ranks? What in the world had caused this boy to become so timid? "Ah...um Snuff...by Terry Pratchett..." Ah... She recognized that name and so she nodded, sighing lightly as if reminiscing. "Ahh... An excellent choice. I had only just begun to read her things before my last mission in the military." There wasn't any bitterness in her voice, just very matter of fact about it. Her eyes seemed to follow his movement as he closed the book, raising her "gaze" back to his face. Perhaps she had interrupted him? Should she...

"Oh..." Though his voice had been soft, she had heard it clear as day and so she paused, tilting her head slightly in her curiosity. It only grew as he bent to dig something out of his bag, her brows furrowing as she concentrated on making out the outline. Another book? She could see that the surface of it was rough, and a bit uneven which told her it either had been well-loved, or ill-taken care of. She wasn't sure which at the moment. He soon clarified as he spoke again, "I know you wanted to read Colour of Magic....so I hunted all day in the library and found a braille version for you." The world stopped. He... what? Her eyes had widened as she lowered her eyes towards the book he held out to her that she tentatively took, to the timid boy that sat before her. He... He had done that for her? She was so touched and in complete shock that she didn't even focus on his flinching from the loud man's booming voice. Everything had gone quiet to her as she felt the old book in her hands, her hands moving over the surface in practiced motions. It had suffered very minor damage, but she could care less. This boy she had only barely gotten to know ever since joining had been thoughtful enough to find this for her.

Her words failed her as her fingers carefully opened the cover and felt for the first page, recognizing each configuration of dots as she ran over them lightly. The Colour of Magic by Terry Pratchett. It had been such a passing conversation, but he had remembered her. The biggest, warmest smile had risen to her lips amidst a flush in her cheeks that made them rosy, looking up to him with such clear gratitude on her features. She had almost found her words and was about to speak, until she noticed the change in his expression. "There's a whole box of them in my room....Book's in braille...the library had forgotten they had them so I took them home to give them a clean...but they don't seem to want them back so...you could have it if you want..." While he spoke, she carefully placed the gift on the bench next to her, folding her hands in her lap as she just sat there staring at him. She was in complete awe of this child. What a tender soul he possessed.

So when he bent back down to his bag to retrieve something else, she was acutely aware of a shift in the wind about them, of how he handled this new book which seemed to be a journal perhaps if she were to guess. "Your training is going really well...No one would know you were blind..." She barely heard his words as she reached out to him and gently, oh so gently pulled him into a hug without a care to who may be watching. She knew he may flinch, may initially protest in confusion, but she hugged him with all the warmth that he had just created within her. One hand touched the back of his head in an almost motherly fashion, holding that embrace for at least a moment or two. He had to know. He had to know how he had just changed her world so easily and without a thought. "Thank you." She whispered to him, finally pulling away slowly as her arms slid away from him, her green eyes sparkling.

Oh.. he had said something before. Ah yes, "Oh, thank you. Heh, I guess there is something to muscle memory hm?" There was an ease that settled about their little bench off to the side of the training area, her hands folding in her lap once more. "But Seamus..." She hesitated, unsure if she should ask or if it was even her place to. He had just given her such a thoughtful gift, so why had his voice sounded almost resigned earlier? "Forgive me if this is rude or something, but are you alright? Are you happy here? You just sounded a little... under the weather if I may." Rosaleen really hoped she hadn't overstepped a boundary with him, but... well.. she was now extra worried and she cared for the boy.

She hugged him and his senses went crazy. Blind panic causing him to struggle and cry out. "No let go!!!" He yelped thrashing in her hold gulping air into his lungs as his heart rate went crazy. Racing as fast as a grand national winning race horse. But as her hand touched his head in a touch he had long since forgotten from his own mother he calmed. Hard breath's his heart pounding so painfully he whimpered. Tear's brewing as he felt the alien touch. his own mother having back down in fear of his step father's wrath. He muffled the sob clinging to her shirt fabric before she started to let go. Oh god...had he disgusted her. Flinching away he stared down at his feet rubbing at the tears that stained his cheeks.

"Oh, thank you. Heh, I guess there is something to muscle memory hm?" He gave a shy smile giving her a slight look as she continued. "But Seamus...Forgive me if this is rude or something, but are you alright? Are you happy here? You just sounded a little... under the weather if I may." He hugged himself tight. His voice small. "I...don't belong here I know...I only got accepted out of pity...." He didn't know why but it seemed to all come out. "I'm such a useless person...I've grown up knowing it and being reminded it by my step father....I'm better off dead and no longer being a pain to people....But...before I did...I wanted to see my real father...The man I dreamt of meeting all my life....And the only way to do that was...to come here and join the Faolchú." He hugged his knee's tight looking up as he could hear the booming voice of the leader. "But....I'm not worth being with him...It's better he doesn’t know I am his son..." He wouldn't be surprised if she put two and two together...But some sort of weight left him as he revealed the clues to her. At least someone knew...

My goodness, he.... hadn't really liked that... had he? Rosaleen now felt a bit guilty as she saw the tears that covered his cheeks as she pulled away, her brows furrowing slightly as he didn't even look at her. Something major must have happened to him. This wasn't just your ordinary embarrassment or fear, this was something much deeper. It took until she had spoken for him to even look at her, and she could barely make out the smile that he had flashed due to how he was curled so. Sonar could only do so much. She could, however, see that he was now holding himself tighter as he curled up so tightly into a little ball. "I...don't belong here I know...I only got accepted out of pity...." Bam. Rosaleen was now in complete mother mode, her expression becoming more serious, yet retaining the tenderness that it had held before.

"I'm such a useless person...I've grown up knowing it and being reminded it by my step father....I'm better off dead and no longer being a pain to people....But...before I did...I wanted to see my real father...The man I dreamt of meeting all my life....And the only way to do that was...to come here and join the Faolchú." She didn't dare speak as his words tumbled out in their hesitating fashion, though her lips tightened a little at that one phrase. I'm better off dead. It made her heart ache and her mind go into overdrive, trying to recall what her father or mother, while she had been alive, had done when they had patrons or friends in this situation. It was such a tricky slope, and you had to be so careful since you didn't want to make it worse.

Her eyes followed where he must be looking out to the field, noting again that it was to the sparring match still happening. Fiachra and Rourke. "But....I'm not worth being with him...It's better he doesn’t know I am his son..." And that was when it clicked. The flinching at Fiachra's voice, his fainting when he first met the man, the longing looks in his direction. Oh poor thing... He was so timid it was no surprise that the big man intimidated him so! Very carefully, she lifted a hand and reached out to place it on his arm, but she paused as her green eyes now watched him carefully. He was quiet now, so she felt that she could speak, "I'm just going to place my hand on your arm, alright?" She told him softly, then allowing the physical contact as her thumb rubbed him very gently in a soothing sort of fashion.

"Seamus... No one is accepted whom doesn't deserve to be here. You are a brilliant boy, very brilliant. You don't have to be physically strong to be among these ranks. Hell, I bet you understand things I don't. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not nearly as analytical as you are. What I've seen you do, it amazes me, and I'm not just saying that." Her voice was soft, the sincerity clear as she let her thumb continue to stroke his arm. She smiled warmly to him, pulling back all of her worry and locking it away. She didn't want him sensing that, she only wanted him sensing that he was wanted. "Fiachra is not an easy man to approach, he throws me off too. I use alkahestry in order to erm.. I guess "see" for lack of a better word. I send these sort of pings to the Dragon Pulse, and those pings come back. So its like sonar." Her eyes now glanced as their leader's booming laugh echoed back to them, chuckling softly to herself. "It can be hard to get accurate readings when he's about." She winked to Seamus, her attention fully upon him once more.

"But I digress." Her hand carefully, slowly, trying to read his reactions before she continued physical contact. If permitted, she held one of his hands, her thumb resuming stroking his skin in her motherly way. "Who would I talk to about Terry Pratchett if you weren't here? Certainly not those blokes over there." She nodded her head in the direction of the sparring match. "And I can guarantee they wouldn't think to find me brail books from the library for me. My own father doesn't even do that." Hah, poor man was almost more tentative to breach that subject than Seamus was. He basically didn't talk to her about her blindness at all. "Just talk to Fiachra. He will always listen to his soldiers because he cares about us. Anyone else wouldn't have allowed me this chance to rejoin the fight. The man I spoke to before him basically said no." Ugh, in a clumsy fashion at that. "I know, he's hard to approach, but... " Ok, even trickier now. "You don't have to talk to him about it alone. If you would like someone with you, I would be happy to." She now fell quiet, realizing she had long dominated the conversation and may have very well given him a heart attack but.... Well, she wanted him to know that there were people who cared.

She warned him softly before touching his arm softly. He flinched lightly but settled. Her soothing rubbing motions calming his racing heart beat. "Seamus... No one is accepted whom doesn't deserve to be here. You are a brilliant boy, very brilliant. You don't have to be physically strong to be among these ranks. Hell, I bet you understand things I don't. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not nearly as analytical as you are. What I've seen you do, it amazes me, and I'm not just saying that." He felt his cheeks flair as he hugged his knees tighter to his chest. Why would she say such things that were clearly untrue. Screwing his eyes shut he couldn't stop the tremble.

"Fiachra is not an easy man to approach, he throws me off too. I use alkahestry in order to erm.. I guess "see" for lack of a better word. I send these sort of pings to the Dragon Pulse, and those pings come back. So its like sonar. It can be hard to get accurate readings when he's about." He gripped his arms tight trying to calm the trembling. Why.....he was so worthless. He would only disgust Fiachra...he disgusted his step father to the point he even hated touching him with the rough beatings. But yet he still would.....

"Just talk to Fiachra. He will always listen to his soldiers because he cares about us. Anyone else wouldn't have allowed me this chance to rejoin the fight. The man I spoke to before him basically said no. I know, he's hard to approach, but... You don't have to talk to him about it alone. If you would like someone with you, I would be happy to." He shook his head standing suddenly. "I can't!" He yelled....well yelling for him. "He would just see me and feel disgust....that's all everyone sees me as...that's what I am...some worthless pile of skin and bone no even worth being called human...." He squeezed his eyes shut as tears streamed down his face. "I'll just get in the way cause I can't do anything...." His shoulders were shaking heavily as he felt himself on the verge of a pain attack. His breathing became hard. His chest hurting. "Uunngg...." knee's shaking he gripped the side to support himself as the world spun in a swirl of colour.

Despite it all he still trembled at it all, her words, her touch, everything. This wasn't even a matter of worry anymore, this was a matter of seriousness. What had made him this way? Had he been abused as a child? Had he been abandoned? Had he been demeaned or bullied for being who he was? If it was any of those things.... Rosaleen had half a mind to slap them for doing that to this poor boy. "I can't!" The suddenness of his shout caused her to start, straightening up as her eyes widened slightly. The sound was loud from the quiet conversation they had been having and created such a different aura than what used to be there. Her thumb stopped moving, but she still held his hand, squeezing gently in a comforting fashion.

"He would just see me and feel disgust....that's all everyone sees me as...that's what I am...some worthless pile of skin and bone no even worth being called human...." The inferiority complex he had going was almost... impressive if it didn't upset her at the fact of its existence. Her pings to the dragons pulse increased in rate so she could have an almost play by play of his motions, his expression, all of it. She could tell that there was a fuzziness around his cheeks and so she had to assume it was tears. "I'll just get in the way cause I can't do anything...." His body was tensing, his shaking intensifying as he clutched at himself, Rosaleen's body already in motion as she moved closer and wrapped one arm around his shoulder, the other remaining on his arm closest to her. "Uunngg...." "Seamus? Oh Seamus..." It was then she remembered his reaction to her holding him earlier and so she pulled away and instead kneeled in front of him, one hand resting on each arm as she stared up at him. "Seamus, I want you to focus on my singing, ok? Try to not think about the things that worry you, that make you feel so insignificant. Just listen to the singing." She instructed him calmly, closing her green eyes as she took a deep breath in.


Her voice was strong, not caring if the sparring pair were confused at the sound of it. If there was one thing she still held utter and complete confidence in, it was her voice. It rang clear, a beautiful soprano without being annoyingly squeaky or grating. Her hands held his arms gently, one of her thumbs beginning to stroke again, the sound of the song reminiscent of a lullaby in a sense. She wished she could sink into him and relax the knots that bound him so, to whisper, "Shhhh, relax..." What could she do to heal this poor boy?

One version on youtube...:

"Seamus, I want you to focus on my singing, ok? Try to not think about the things that worry you, that make you feel so insignificant. Just listen to the singing." She held him close as he trembled softly trying to stop the burning in his lungs. He clung to her feebly as he quivered slowing his breathing down as she sung to him.

She rubbed soothing circles on his arms once again and he couldn't help but whimper. He buried his face in her chest shaking softly as she silently told him to relax. He couldn't...his head ran on turbo speed as it span on repeat over and over making sure he remembered what a worthless being he was. But...Rosaleen....she had so much light so much kindness. He couldn't help the tears that ran down his face as he clutched to her. Sobbing all his pain out to her.

But even though it hurt it was oddly warm. Opening up to someone...someone who didn't laugh at him....He sniffled and relaxed his grip a bit. Rosaleen was an amazing person...

She could feel him holding onto her tighter and tighter, her eyes only widening for a second or two as her buried her face in her chest. Thu-Thump. Her heart ached and hurt with his while he sat there trembling against her. She slid her arms a little more around him, cradling him close as she began to rock slightly, letting her voice lift to the sun and sky. She could hear his breath wasn't as quick as before and that was good, she wasn't going to be much help if he hyperventilated. And it was just a good sign. Maybe... she was helping?

Her hands began to rub and run along his back in similar motions to those she had been making on his arms, not caring as she began to feel moisture through her shirt that wasn't her sweat. It did not matter how tightly he clung to her, or if his tears bled into her shirt, she just wanted his pain to be eased. All of his pain even though she knew it was a futile maneuver. His scars were much deeper than she could reach. Maybe if she spoke to Fiachra? Told him to go speak to the boy? Or would Seamus run or faint like he had before? What... what could she do? So she kept doing what seemed to be helping as the two of them sat there by their bench holding onto each other as her voice filled the void of sound.

His grip soon began to loose and it made her expression soften in relief. The panic attack must be lessening, or he was now more comfortable with her than before. Either way was excellent progress. The last notes drifted off into the air but she continued to hum, tilting her head downward so she could "look" at him. She didn't know why, but she leaned her head down enough so she could place a soft kiss on the top of his head, leaning her cheek very lightly against his head. If he wasn't comfortable with that, she was ready to move, weaving together a melody that may as well have been a medley of those that she knew.

The warmth that surrounded him was like a melody. Soft whispers beckoning him to sleep as his eyes closed sending him into the inviting darkness as all his other senses reached out. Sound....smell...touch....taste....He wondered how Rosaleen could live her life with just these as all his world was consumed by the sound of her voice, the smell of her perfume, her warmth and touch and the taste of his own tears. He briefly wondered if he could live like that but then...his precious books.

Slowly his eyes fluttered open with his now calm pulse. Looking up to Rosaleen he wondered what it would be like if she could ever see the beautiful world again. "Thank you....Miss Quinn..." He said softly his voice hoarse and tired. Sitting up slowly and rubbing his eyes now soar from tears. "I'm sorry...for pushing all my problems on you like that..." He whispered feeling foolish. Sitting back staring down at the ground his mind wondered briefly. Would she miss him if he left? Would she tell Fiachra his secret. A bit of panic rose in his chest. “Please...don't tell him my secret....promise me you won't....”

The world had returned to a familiar calm, her voice drifting into silence as he stirred against her, pulling back a bit so she could gaze upon the boy. Or well, seem to at least. Her green eyes seemed to focus upon his features, her smile was as warm as ever, resisting the urge to wipe away his tears. "Thank you....Miss Quinn..." Her smile only grew as she shrugged lightly, "Twas nothing. Happy to help." She let her arms fall away from him, retaking her place on the bench beside him now that he seemed completely calm once more. "I'm sorry...for pushing all my problems on you like that..." She began to shake her head, her hands resting now in her lap. "Don't worry your handsome head over it, alright? I'd prefer you talk to me about anything that bothers you, rather than bottle it up inside. That doesn't help you in the least bit." She was the mama bear, and she liked her cubs to be happy. She decided to not use that particular analogy out loud since she didn't think he'd really appreciate it. Or maybe he would chuckle. It was too late now.

“Please...don't tell him my secret....promise me you won't....” Blinking twice, that left Rosaleen at a loss for only a brief moment, her eyes widening ever so slightly. But her expression relaxed and she looked out upon the training field, the pair now relaxing in the distance and talking as they moved away. "I promise. But Seamus..." She turned her head to gaze at the boy beside her, her "gaze" still warm but certainly more serious. "You should tell him. Treat it like pulling off a band-aid. The faster you pull off a band-aid, the less it hurts. The quicker you tell him, the sooner you can get it off your chest and face your fears. Can you promise me you will?" She asked softly, tilting her head ever so slightly.

He rubbed his eyes with the sleeve of his jumper. The rough wool irritating the skin in a rough scratchy sensation. "Don't worry your handsome head over it, alright? I'd prefer you talk to me about anything that bothers you, rather than bottle it up inside. That doesn't help you in the least bit." Handsome? Him? No he was ugly and feminine looking....but then again...she was blind he couldn't fault her for trying to be polite.

"I promise. But Seamus..." He was glad she wouldn't tell him but he could tell what she was about to say. "You should tell him. Treat it like pulling off a band-aid. The faster you pull off a band-aid, the less it hurts. The quicker you tell him, the sooner you can get it off your chest and face your fears. Can you promise me you will?" What was he to do. He could lie and tell her that he would but that was wrong. Shaking his head softly. "I can't....I'm sorry..." He stood quickly. "He's happier knowing he doesn’t have a link to a failure like me....He's better not knowing then when I'm gone it won't effect him....I'm sorry...miss Quinn." He looked away feeling the horrid sensation of shame. He truly was disgusting.

She knew it was useless to try to convince him of that one seemingly simple thing. She knew what he would say even as she spoke those words. But she had hoped that maybe... just maybe she would get proven wrong. She gathered up her things from the bench and rose after him, unable to not think of some of the things said at her bar when she had been stationed in Creta. The people of Carraig? They were stubborn. Well, she knew she was and Seamus was proving to be too. It was simply a trait they seemed to all possess as a people. Ah well, it was his choice ultimately and she really had no right to butt into it. "I can't....I'm sorry..." And there it was. The confirmation that she had known all along what he would say.

"He's happier knowing he doesn’t have a link to a failure like me....He's better not knowing then when I'm gone it won't effect him....I'm sorry...miss Quinn." Rosaleen smiled softly and shook her head, adjusting how she was holding her book and water bottle so she could place a hand on his shoulder. "No need to apologize. It is your choice Seamus. Just think on what I've said, alright? Thank you again for the book." She gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze and turned away from him, nodding to the others who were sparring before heading into the castle. The hardest thing to change was people, you could generally change yourself before you could change them. So she just continued onward with her day, briefly debating if she wanted to see if Gavin was free to talk or something or not. No no, she should leave her king be. Off to her families bar it was!