Modern Day Alchemists
WHY AREN'T YOU SIGNED IN!$#%@? -sends Aurel after you-
Latest topics
» This is the end I fear
Fri Nov 15, 2013 3:07 pm by Reila Tsukino

» Pumpkin Spice
Wed Nov 06, 2013 4:13 pm by Rhea Stevenson

» BARBERSHOP BRUNCH, BRO'S.
Wed Nov 06, 2013 12:54 pm by Wolfgang Murinyo

» Training Private Daw (Open to Amestrian Militants Only)
Mon Nov 04, 2013 6:07 pm by Dawsic

» AKI'S NEW FORUM
Mon Oct 21, 2013 12:59 am by Silvac

» Baldursdóttir, Ymir [done]
Thu Oct 17, 2013 5:56 pm by Jay Furor

» Practice Makes PERFECTION
Mon Oct 14, 2013 11:19 am by Zayne O'Reilly

» Just a Checkup
Thu Oct 10, 2013 8:55 am by Crassus

» Arm And A leg away... (Open)
Thu Oct 10, 2013 2:07 am by Silvac

» Brunch Is Served
Tue Oct 08, 2013 3:11 pm by Dunstan Hue

Who is online?
In total there is 1 user online :: 0 Registered, 0 Hidden and 1 Guest

None

[ View the whole list ]


Most users ever online was 74 on Wed Sep 10, 2014 4:45 am
Join us on Facebook!
 

Lawson, Dawsic

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Lawson, Dawsic

Post by Dawsic on Sun Jul 08, 2012 5:27 pm

...........................................................................
CASE FILE: Alchemist                     

Panem et Cirque
...........................................................................

       FULL NAME:
       → Dawsic Lawson
       
       AGE:
       → 19

        SEX:
       → Male

       BIRTH PLACE:
       → Central City
       
       RACE:
       → Amestrian

       DATE OF BIRTH:
       → April 22, 1994


       ...........................................................................


       HEIGHT:
       → 6 feet.

       WEIGHT:
       → 145 pounds.

       PICTURE:
       →
Spoiler:
           The guy in the red coat is my character

        DESCRIPTION:
       → Dawsic is a tall and thin young adult. He has a bit of padding but otherwise he is one skinny person. He has straight black hair dark as the night sky, it is shoulder length which rivals that of a girl. He has deep purple eyes that have a look of an adult yet have a very warm and friendly look. He wears a white sweater which is covered by a black T-shirt, he also wears black jeans and a red mini coat. He has Automail arms, which he still bears the scars of vicious Chimeras. His voice has both a tone of seriousness, like he grew up before his time. He walks with a slight slouch because of his height, and the weight of his Automail. His scars cover from the base of his neck to the middle of his back. It is an ugly sight to behold as they are lumpy and not very pleasant.


       ...........................................................................


       PERSONALITY:
       → Dawsic is a very intelligent person, when he's in a jam he can almost always think of a way out of it. He is also kind hearted and funny as he cracks jokes at any moment, but mostly just bad puns and limericks. He is also pretty bold and will not hesitate pushing people out of the line of fire, even if the crowd has some of the bullies. However he is a bit nasty when someone laughs at how he got arms or makes fun of his disabled younger brother, in fact he's like the police of the school going around stopping the bullying. His arms heavily affects him. His pride about his arms is that no matter how many times he falls he never breaks his wrist, his shame is that when he hugs his brother he jumps from the cold metal of his Automail and when he pats his back he knocks him flat on his face.

He cant trust any adult older than 20 from the benign neglect given to him from by his parents so he tends to ignore most of his teacher's in school, once he even transmuted the teacher's desk to get out of class, taking his ADHD brother with him. He despises adults despite he is almost one as well. He has a REALLY bad relationship with his dad, who neglected Dawsic for nearly 5 years. So in response to that he ignores his dad in every way possible, even if it nearly takes all his willpower. Dawsic is the also one of the most mellow people when he's relaxed, when he gets chill he is a very good person. But push his buttons the wrong way and he'll beat you so hard when you wake your clothes will be out of style.

       
        LOVE:
        → Video Games
            Music
            Pranks
            Friends
            Zachary

       HATE:
       → Bullies
          The sound of rusty Automail
          The smell of oil
          FALCON PUNCH
          Dancing
Dead-Light Virus
       
       DEEPEST SECRET:
       → Smashed a priceless historical artifact
       
        IDOL:
       → The Elric Bro's

       ...........................................................................

       HISTORY:
       → Late April in Central City, Dawsic was born to Shawnie and Ben Lawson. He was an unusual child. Neither of his parent's eyes were purple yet his eyes were as purple as grapes, and his hair was like the night sky black. His parents moored over the baby like he was the only matter in the world. When he was 3 months old he said his first word which was 'Momma'. His father was a busy healer so he wasn't around much to be with his family. For about 8 years thing were going smooth until July 31st 2002, when his younger brother Zachary was born. Of course Dawsic was attached to his younger brother, things for the the Amestrian family were going downhill after 2 more years had passed.

       At age 10 Dawsic was half caring over his 2 year old brother. He broke his grandmother's urn so, The shock and anger was to much for Dawsic's mom so her psyche was shattered into millions of irreparable shards, however his mother was mentally unstable to begin with and his father was just down right too busy with his work to be able to take full care of his family, so he and Dawsic split the work. Dawsic cared for his brother, Ben took care of Shawnie. At the age of 12 he was biking home from the store. The main road was filled with traffic so he took a shortcut which passed exactly in front of Lab Terra (a lab deticated to studying the alchemical reactions of earth materials). While he was passing in front of the building his bike flipped and he scraped his arm on the pavement. Seeing that the cut wasn't deep he got his bike up and was ready to bike away when he heard a loud snarling sound coming from the building. Without warning 2 chimeras, which were half barracuda, half wolverine, burst through the wrought iron doors. Barrine Chimeras are normally non-hostile unless the smell of blood was introduced to them. They were supposed to be locked deep in the basement of Lab Terra but the scientists were careless and left the gates unlocked, and the Barrine Chimeras can smell blood from 10 miles away. So when Dawsic started bleeding from 10 feet from the door, they came at him like flies with sugar-water. When he saw the chimeras burst through the door he yelled as loud as he could to get someone to help him. But he yelled too late because the chimeras were already tearing his arms out of their sockets. Luckily his yell woke up a sleeping guard who rushed outside and killed one of the blood thirsty chimeras. He radioed for back-up when he saw the chimera coming at him. He got the message out a split second before the chimera swallowed him whole. Dawsic was so traumatized by the event it shocked him out of his childish innocence. Before he fell unconscious he saw 10 guards subdue the chimera.

       While he was unconscious he was put into surgery and fitted with Automail. When he regained consciousness he found himself with two Automail arms and extreme disorientation. When he was released he was disoriented, confused and rough. A bad combination to piss someone off. A year later he went on a class field trip to a Amestrian history museum. When he tripped and bent part of the metal casing with his automail. When the guard made a crack on how young people are stupid. That pushed him over the edge, and caused him to go temporarily insane and smash an Ishvalen amulet, quickly snapping back to reality he realized his actions and ran of the museum. Later on he was suspended from school for a couple years. Afterwards he started having recurring nightmares from the chimera attack on him. Realizing he is weak he decided to learn the ways of alchemy. He went under the wing of his uncle Wolfy. Who was a licensed alchemist. For the next 6 years he learned alchemy and traveled with his uncle. He eventually made his own custom Transmutation circle, which he engraved on his right palm. Now he hopes to get his State License.

Later on however he didn't get it and even got his beginners license revoked. He was pretty pissed to though of course he got over it pretty quickly and resumed his normal life, that is before his second trip to Drachma. Where RIOTE members quickly overpowered him and he slipped into a coma from an allergic reaction to the drug that knocked him out. He dreamt about a lab, with biology equipment and alchemical research strewn across a table. However to him it was hazy. He later woke up after a 3 month coma into a true nightmare. After he had walked out of the hospital he saw dead bodies litter the street. First he thought that a war went on while he was out. But quickly ruled it out when he saw no damage to the buildings themselves and the bodies look like they fell on their own, not through a bullet. When he returned home he was quickly attacked by his mother, who he later found out was infected by a new, rampaging virus. He watched her die later on. Then he found out his little brother was infected with the virus. He sat by his hospital bed while his body struggled against the virus, however he slipped away. Daw later on made up with his father and moved out of the house he spent his life in. He went to a bus that lead to Central HQ. He sought to claim his license, find out the origin and cure of this plague, and kill the person who unleashed this virus to the public.


       ...........................................................................


     TRIVIA:
       → Knows Martial Arts. (Karate)
           His eyes glow a blood red when he gets pissed
       → Speaks Cretan
           Speaks Amestian
       ...........................................................................


       ALIAS:
       → Daw

       OTHER CHARACTERS:
       → First Character
 
       FACE CLAIM:
Code:
[b]Drifters/masterpeice[/b]/[i]Shimazu Toyohisa[/i]
       
        CREATOR'S COMMENTS:
       → Hopefully this will be my first and only character.

       CUSTOM RANK:
       → Ele-Mentalist

       ...........................................................................


Last edited by Dawsic on Sat Sep 07, 2013 7:30 pm; edited 31 times in total (Reason for editing : Adding to history to compensate time skip)
avatar
Dawsic
ELE-MENTALIST

Posts : 41
Points : 30
Location : Louisville

-Case File-
Level: 1
Rank: Enlisted
Writer: Daw

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Lawson, Dawsic

Post by Guest on Mon Jul 09, 2012 3:17 am

{REVISE}

- Change username to character name.

- If he is a lanky teenager that isn't muscular whatsoever but isn't bony either... then how is it he has muscles suddenly in the description a few lines below and SUDDENLY can outrun people despite having been described to not have such an impressive build? Also an eye that looks through the person wouldn't be defined as a warm eye but rather a creepy predatory sort, as far as interpretations go, but some others may take it in differently, it is best not to set a defined reaction to an audience you have yet to meet. The description is a myriad of paradoxes that needs to best be remedied by sticking to a consistent trait. It should help out.

- Erm... for your personality... what does alchemy and being at the top of the class? Those are moot points. If he is so kind-hearted, then why does he obnoxiously correct people you refer to in your personality as 'dim-wits'? Also as a point, your love for your younger brother is not supposed to be in the personality, the personality defines the character's traits, not his particular likes or dislikes of anyone. It is related to him, not to anyone else. Your personality isn't not so much as personalities as opposed to fluff you can throw into history or trivia, with only a FEW points that deals with personality such as how he is mellowed out and relaxed which are in fact personality points. The rest... not so much. Address that and change the aspect for personality.

- Surprised there was no accusations of cheating when purple eyes came into question! But jesting aside, you may want to tone down the whole "Jesus" references as if he were a second-coming. Also why was his hair white in particular? And just HOW did he perform transmutation when he had no apparent knowledge of it not mentioned anywhere? Not even a reference towards him even coming across his father's books. Something as advanced as making a diamond from charcoal and some scrap iron too. Charcoal MAY have some carbon, but you require fantastic amounts to make a well made diamond.

If his father's psyche was broken, then how did a five year old even possibly manage to fend off for himself? That, and how is it that his father became a vegetable just because he saw his son performing alchemy?

Also, kindergarten does not dabble in such advanced inner-workings of Alchemy and Astronomy when it so much teaches the most basest of sciences not even delving anywhere near chemistry (and in that spirit, Alchemy which is a specialized science in its own right.) Transmuting a telescope when you can buy it as well isn't that impressive and one can just buy it from a store. The amount of knowledge he can gain from kindergarten is borderline ridiculous when this delves and dips into college level applications of science.

How is it that your character was under the radar despite the fact he transmuted scrap iron into expensive gold which IS illegal under the state's law, and hauled it to the black market as if he was on a first-name basis with them? How would a 9 year old exactly inspire confidence in the otherwise rough underground that deals in illegal goods? Those are all plot-holes that are inconsistent with the way things really would go. Actually how DID he discover the black market in the first place even though he is but an infant?

The black market is interested in GOODS that aren't EASILY attained, gold is not that common, but isn't that rare either for it to be filtered out as if it was a commodity, and neither is it banned, just the transmutation of it is is.

Also how is it that the merchant left his guns behind when in his line of business, dealing in illegal guns makes some individual of his stature very edgy? If those guns were left behind, then he could be known as the sloppiest illegal weapons dealer. And WHERE DID THOSE CHIMERAS COME FROM? It wasn't explained why they came, or what happened, just two came out of nowhere in a bout of the Big Lipped Alligator moment and just gored him on the basis of just because.

Also one final thing... the Amestrian museum wouldn't keep anything of such a high profiled nature as the red stones or "Philosopher Stone", something highly sought out for in the world of Alchemists given their ability to "forego" Equivalent Exchange. Someone was bound to notice, and it wouldn't be kept in some tank for some unexplained reason for all to see and potentially steal. Also another plothole.

- Trivia shouldn't have the Alchemy there. Transmutation application goes under a different topic completely on what you can do. Remove the transmutation ability from trivia, completely irrelevant. Also do kindly specify what Martial Arts you perform, there are many sorts of them.


Those things I have critiqued, come up with a logical answer for them or just drop it completely and opt for something of a fairer accord. Also get rid of the whole 13 year old business, extremely knowledged with great tragedy and the like. Puff up the age. You shouldn't have any characters so deliberately close to being the prodigious Gary Stu. Edward Elric was an extremely special case, and so was Alphonse (both their parent happened to be Hohenheim, the grand McDaddy of Alchemy itself alongside Father), whereas yours is but a state alchemist in a field that requires dedicated study. Do steer away from the almost-carbon copy aspect of Edward Elric in that regard as an Alchemist, and strive for your own originality.

If you require help, just PM me.

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Re: Lawson, Dawsic

Post by Guest on Wed Jul 11, 2012 7:07 am

July 22nd is your archive date.

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Revised

Post by Dawsic on Fri Jul 20, 2012 9:43 pm

Edits have been made
avatar
Dawsic
ELE-MENTALIST

Posts : 41
Points : 30
Location : Louisville

-Case File-
Level: 1
Rank: Enlisted
Writer: Daw

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Lawson, Dawsic

Post by Guest on Fri Jul 20, 2012 11:28 pm

{REVISE}

Alrighty, round 2 for Dawsic's sheet COMMENCE!

You really haven't changed much aspects in your application besides a few alteration when it requires a huge renovation but anyways...

- I don't think you want to say he has a thin layer of muscles... everyone has muscles EVERYWHERE in their body. Picture muscles not as a layer but as one of the make up of the body. He doesn't seem to have an athletic well toned build which is geared specifically for running away. And saying he can outrun people by a few feet per second is spongy at best, with a forum filled with trained soldiers, Homunculus, genetically superior Chimera and whichever humans that geared themselves towards muscular superiority in such an aspect.

- Get rid of the whole can understand advanced metascience aspect yet is in kindergarten which SHOULDN'T allow him to grasp such large words in an Alchemy text even if it was in a book scattered around the house. Edward Elric and Alphonse Elric were extremely special cases. Also where did he learn how to transmute coal and iron when his father is a healing Alchemist type? In fact, HOW'D Dawsic become an Alchemist in the first place when he is still in kindergarten? He'd need to know CHEMISTRY first to even come up with such an application to make diamonds. Also doesn't take a bit of coal and iron to make diamonds, would take a lot of it to actually specify which element inside the coal and what have you to make the diamond, it'd take a lot more, which is where Equivalent Exchange comes in. If he supposedly knows Equivalent Exchange, then how does he perform something that goes beyond its bounds?

Father was said to be an Alchemist that heals people, something that often requires the person to be intellectually capable instead of "downright" stupid as a job qualification, ESPECIALLY if he is into medicine, where someone's life is in their hands.

Astronomy is an advanced subject that dwells into the science of the stars... not the sort of things one could attain in Kindergarten with such deep grasp and knowledge like that, intelligence does not substitute for knowledge necessarily which he doesn't have from the way things were portrayed.

Why would merchants in a black market actually accept a little tyke from out of nowhere in a restricted facility as family? Their business shouldn't be static as to stay in one place in fear of the authorities getting to them. Actually WHY would someone talk in public that could be overheard from just a stroll about a black market such as this? A kid with a large bunch of gems would most likely be robbed by a bunch of cutthroat profiteers than actually be held accountable and respected as a worthy business partner to consider. The restricted facility (which would have governmental control) that would bear MORE scrutiny to sell products there than somewhere less high profile like under a bridge or the like.

So... if there is Chimeras in Lab 5... it implies it is STILL in active use. And how does someone that specialize in COALS know about Chimeric Alchemy in the first place or even what they are when he is but a mere underaged boy? It STILL doesn't even solve anything about a Chimeras coming out of nowhere JUST to eat Dawsic's arms off.

If he was saved by a black marketer, and taken to a hospital, then how is it an armless boy wasn't exactly reported to the police for HOW he lost both of his arms and was bought in by a stranger whom has a possible criminal record?


There is so far still a lot of holes that were failed to be plugged in properly in the application with only the most minute of explanations that doesn't solve many mysteries and plot holes in the history. The advice is to actually go with an entirely different aspect than the 13 year old boy who hauls diamonds to sell to black market dealers as if he has a high understanding of economics and business despite being an underaged boy being attacked by Chimeras that came from NOWHERE just to devour his arms to give an excuse to get the automail arms, it wasn't even written to be traumatic. Kindly read my words and realize your follies before writing over your application.

Happy editing!

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Revisions 2

Post by Dawsic on Sat Jul 21, 2012 12:22 am

Edits have been made
avatar
Dawsic
ELE-MENTALIST

Posts : 41
Points : 30
Location : Louisville

-Case File-
Level: 1
Rank: Enlisted
Writer: Daw

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Lawson, Dawsic

Post by Reila Tsukino on Sun Jul 22, 2012 1:08 pm

REVISE

Hiya~ =3 Almost done! (I think Niko wrote more in his Revise then you did in your history XDDD that scared me, Niko)

1. Height/Height: How can a 13-year-old be six feet tall? And also how can he be six feet tall and only weight 120 pounds?!
2. Picture/Description: You don't have a picture so you have to double the word count of your description.
3. Personality: You need at least 300 words! Maybe add like how he treats new people that he meets and such?
4. History: What is lab five? Expand on it. Tell us what it is. Don't just drag something out of the anime, create some different lab. What are Barrine Chimerae? Museums are heavily protected, how can he so simply break an Ishvallan amulet??
How about this: He gets attacked by the chimeras. A guard rushes out to save him, but the chimeras get a hold of him. So now the guard is screaming for help, and just barely radios in for back up. Back up comes just in time to same Dawsic, but the chimerae already devoured the guard whole. Seeing that sight shocked Daw out of his childish innocence. He became rough, hateful, his personality skewed and one day he snapped. In a museum he was visiting with his brother (I don't know) a orderly came over and asked them to be quiet, insulted them a little bit for being kids. Maybe something like "where are your parents little boys??" So he freaks out and breaks an amulet out of rage, but he realizes instantly what he did and apologizes profusely, running away just in time to escape security. He comes up with an idea that since he couldn't fight back the chimerae, he needs to get strong, so he decides to learn alchemy. THERE YOU GO. Doesn't that make more sense?? Also, make sure you say what type of chimera those are. Like make them bear chimera or something so they can tear people apart... XD
5. Trivia: What kind of Martial Art/s does he know??

Also, you might want to check out the classifieds and see what kind of group you might be interested in joining. That, or you can just wander around; up to you.

.....................................................................................................................................

This is a temporary signature. 8D
avatar
Reila Tsukino
PENDING

Posts : 2266
Points : 1089
Location : Fort Briggs

-Case File-
Level:
Rank:
Writer:

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Lawson, Dawsic

Post by Dawsic on Thu Jul 26, 2012 10:39 pm

Question Reila, How do I insert a pic cause I dont wanna add more Descreption
avatar
Dawsic
ELE-MENTALIST

Posts : 41
Points : 30
Location : Louisville

-Case File-
Level: 1
Rank: Enlisted
Writer: Daw

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Lawson, Dawsic

Post by Dawsic on Fri Jul 27, 2012 1:16 am

Edits have been made though I screwed up the picture
avatar
Dawsic
ELE-MENTALIST

Posts : 41
Points : 30
Location : Louisville

-Case File-
Level: 1
Rank: Enlisted
Writer: Daw

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Lawson, Dawsic

Post by Csilla Angelis on Sun Jul 29, 2012 12:21 am

{REVISE}

Date of Birth: Just the year? You can add a day and month too!

Description: It's only 121 words, it needs be to 150. Also, can you explain more about his scars from the Chimera? If he had his arms ripped out and they are now Automail, are the scars on his shoulder? Back? That might help with your word count.

Personality: "He is also kind hearted and funny as he cracks jokes at any moment, but either at his or anyone else's expense" This is a little unclear to me, I'm sorry. >.< Can you make this a little more clear please?

Personality/History: You talk in your personality about how Dawsic's father abused him and beat him constantly, yet in the history there is no mention of this, only neglect. Can you either add the abuse to your history or switch the abuse to neglect in the personality?

History: "For about 2 years thing were going smooth until July 31st 2002, when his younger brother Zachary was born." I think your numbers are off a little bit. You said he was born in 1994 and then two years later in 2002, his brother was born? Could you be a little more clear and fix the dates accordingly? You say a little later that his brother his three years younger. Work with that.


Other than that, I like what you've got and I look forward to see your writing develop! Happy editing!



.....................................................................................................................................



Fluent in Cretan and Amestrian
avatar
Csilla Angelis
LITE BRITE

Posts : 903
Points : 718
Location : Central City

-Case File-
Level:
Rank: Head of TDAA
Writer: Csi

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Lawson, Dawsic

Post by Reila Tsukino on Sun Jul 29, 2012 1:15 am

REVISE

1. Picture/Description: Either make your description 300 words or get a FC. The picture is too small and it makes your attempts at description and appearance seem neglected.
Use photobucket.com to upload pictures and insert using this code:
Code:
[IMG]LINKFROMPHOTOBUCKETHERE[/IMG]
You can use this site to find a good FC: http://www.zerochan.net/Black+Hair%2CMale
If you use a FC make sure you readd the Face Claim part back to your app.

.....................................................................................................................................

This is a temporary signature. 8D
avatar
Reila Tsukino
PENDING

Posts : 2266
Points : 1089
Location : Fort Briggs

-Case File-
Level:
Rank:
Writer:

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Lawson, Dawsic

Post by Dawsic on Sun Jul 29, 2012 2:55 am

Hopefully Final Revisions have been made
avatar
Dawsic
ELE-MENTALIST

Posts : 41
Points : 30
Location : Louisville

-Case File-
Level: 1
Rank: Enlisted
Writer: Daw

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Lawson, Dawsic

Post by Reila Tsukino on Sun Jul 29, 2012 5:28 pm

APPROVED

YEAH! Make sure you put your languages in your signature.
Check out Classifieds you might want to consider joining a group~
Annnddd don't forget to make a transmutation app.

.....................................................................................................................................

This is a temporary signature. 8D
avatar
Reila Tsukino
PENDING

Posts : 2266
Points : 1089
Location : Fort Briggs

-Case File-
Level:
Rank:
Writer:

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Lawson, Dawsic

Post by Dawsic on Fri Sep 06, 2013 3:57 pm

Do I have to add in history for the time skip?
avatar
Dawsic
ELE-MENTALIST

Posts : 41
Points : 30
Location : Louisville

-Case File-
Level: 1
Rank: Enlisted
Writer: Daw

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Lawson, Dawsic

Post by Iris on Sat Sep 07, 2013 8:02 pm

APPROVED

.....................................................................................................................................

"There's more to this than just black and white. The world can't be divided into that. There's reds and blues and greens and even more colors. How can you judge someone by one of two shades? It just doesn't seem fair to remain blind to rainbow, just because there's a puddle in your path."

→ Speaks Aerugese, Amestrian (Magenta), Acented Cretan (darkcyan), Knows small bits of Xingese (Jade)
Iris' theme song
avatar
Iris
PASSIONATE REMNANT

Posts : 334
Points : 411

-Case File-
Level:
Rank: Head of Central
Writer: Ammy

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Lawson, Dawsic

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum