The Sparklebutts Connection

And so the day yonder went by as the sun settled like a douche, and the land of Xing was graced... never had Nikolaus ever felt disgusted to go there, but seeing a poor fat butt cat was being held hostage by some guy with a sick cat fetish sent to him in the form of a picture at his office, it makes him obliged to save Sparklebutts! Being the intrepid and dashing hero he was... whom was really dashing and intrepid.

The best way to go to Xing is by airplane, and so that's what he has done, with his side-kick, that cat-thing, what's his face, it was probably a cosplayer or something... SALAZAR. Right. He remembers how he actually summoned Salazar...


~FLASHBACK~

It was FUCKING COLD, if it weren't for his jacket... then it would be more FUCKING COLD. Who the Hell decided that snowy tundric locations were great places for pirate bases... which DOESN'T HAVE WATER TO BE IN?! Well, whatever, he had an address and all. The Colonel himself taking a walk through the knee high snow, and snow, and more snow on top of said snow. Boy things sure are snowy here.

He had a message to do... and this requires the utmost subtlety in a way it can deliver a message, and well, Nikolaus was at the side of the bar pub place thingy. He looked at his message, and wrapped it around with a rubberband before like a mighty thesaurus rex, flung the brick with a message wrapped across as it went FWOOSH through the window on top and...

CRACK-TSHH

~End Flashback~


Ohhh, so that was how he summoned Gluttony. Right, now he remembers. Ah well, being that Nikolais is DEEP UNDERCOVER, given he is going into a land with noodles, noodles, and more dangerous noodles, he decided to... *Gulp* wear a NORMAL SET OF CLOTHING, which there is nothing normal about it. A skipper's cap, Hawaiian pattern button-up shirt, some slacks, Oxford loafers, and pretty much he wore his weapons normally as he sat at the seat of the still-flying plane, bandoleers and holsters and all. First class, all the way up front.

But how he got them in there in the first place as "Mister Puggles Swimsworth", a bi-polar confused Cretan mashed potato sandwich being his undercover name and identity, is ANOTHER STORY. He should have Gluttony seated next to him.

"Beware of the land we go to, it's filled with slit-eyed nasty people... that are really nasty. You can NEVER tell if they are sleeping, or they are awake. Usually that's the times they ambush you! When they pretend to be asleep, so yeah, just kick the shit out of them when you see one who looks like he is asleep." The Colonel briefed Sal in AMESTRIAN, something them Xingese probably shouldn't understand, if they couldn't understand it.

Oh no no no no....no no no no....NONONONONO.....

Sal was clutching his seat, clawing it with all of his might. He'd never been in an airplane before, let alone in the air at all. The sensation of taking off made him uneasy, it was unpleasant. So far, he'd felt the need to eat anything that passed by him - the food, of course. Despite the fact that he had received a message that technically detailed the trip, it was written in such a cryptic fashion that the small Ishvallan had difficulty figuring out some of the other important things, such as where exactly they were going in this flying tin can.

The story of how Nikolaus had managed to even get him here was interesting enough. How did it happen again? Ah, right. One night at the Jolly Roger, a brick crashed in through the topmost window, and slammed into the face of an unsuspecting customer. Sal sped over to find out what was going on, and found the message attached to the brick. After apologizing and making sure the victim was okay (he escaped with just a broken, bloody nose), Sal read the message thoroughly. He was to meet up with Nikolaus Stuka and head to a place called Xing to continue their search for the ever elusive Miss Sparklebutt! The idea was exciting enough, but now...

The plane his a rough patch of air and made a BUMP, very much like a car driving over a speed bump. Sal let out a very stressed meow, much to the surprise of the few individuals who were in the First Class section as well. How the militant had managed to get them into First Class was a mystery, but not one that the homunculus really cared to investigate.

He decided not to wear his usual, attention-drawing clothing (namely his Pirate outfit), but something very toned down and simple. A white shirt, baggy black pants, white sneakers, a black, collar-like choker, and a loose black beanie to help hide his ears. Even though his hearing was slightly impaired due to this, Sal could hear well enough to make out what he was being told.

"Are they really that scary, puggyswims? Scarier than this big flying metal people-refrigerator thing?"

Yes, Puggyswims. Given that Puggles Swimsworth was quite difficult for the small Ishvallan to pronounce, that was the best he could do without using Stuka's REAL name....

Nikolaus drunk a fruit punch, sipping from the edge of the glass as he savored the taste which settled into his tastebuds. It was most fruity, for it is a fruit punch, except it doesn't really punch someone in the face. So it's just a fruit not-punch punch. Right, that's the better description.

"Are they really that scary, puggyswims? Scarier than this big flying metal people-refrigerator thing?"

He flings the glass aside, the said glass breaks beautifully against some guy's face as he screams in terrible agony, Nikolaus took the opportunity to pull out his sub-machine gun which he affectionately calls Smugs. Brushing it, and stroking it intimately... touching that smooth trigger, feeling the curves, that tingly feeling one gets from touching a weapon.

The rest of the first class passengers edging away from Nikolaus, seeing how he is literally armed to the damn teeth, that he somehow got them weapons aboard.

"Silly chocolate-person, metal people whom are refrigerators are not that scary, if you want to see scary, hold here for just a second... I'll be right back."

And so Nikolaus parts from the seat and past Sal, heading forward to the pilot's deck as he closes the door behind himself, smacks can be heard and sighs, along with some struggle as the intercom turned in with that typical "BLOOP BLEEP BLOOP" music.

"Attention passengers, you are all required to wear a seatbelt now, seeing as I don't know where that seatbelt button thingy is, so yeah, just wear it. I shall demonstrate... a BARREL ROLL as Skippy compels me to do."

And so...

~Five minutes later~

Smoke rose from the crashed remains of the airplane, burning as Nikolaus was staring at it from a distance up some elevation in this bamboo forest. Surprisingly unscathed despite such a crash. Yet the passengers huddled around near the airplane, doing whatever it is crashed airplane passengers do.

Standing next to Sal, "Look at the bright side, at least we can salvage the wreckage for the emergency radio and call for hel--"

BOOM.

...

The airplane was blown into smithereens.

Nikolaus shrugs, "Okay, look at the bright side, at least I did a barrel roll, and we're not in any further danger."

RATTA-TATTA-TATTA-TATTA-TATTA.

...

Apparently those were gunshots from some old weaponry, probably an L-47. Screams came out from them civilian passengers as more gunfire sounded off a good distance, looks like these are jungle bandits.

"Well... look at the bright side, at least it's a nice sunny day."

And so, suddenly, rain poured down and moistened Nikolaus's hat, and clothes, going by a really heavy downpour. A lightning crackled from a distance followed by the typical thunder sound.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY?!" Nikolaus stomped his feet on the muddy ground, leaving a nice imprint of his nice shoes, which was nice... looks like it'll be a long trek before they can go to civilization, if Xing to Nikolaus can be called that.

Sal watched curiously as "Puggyswims" flung his glass aside and hit an innocent passenger in the face, who, as a result, screamed loudly, and the uncaring Nikolaus began to stroke one of his weapons with an aura of enjoyment. Sinking into his seat, the homunculus sighed nervously. This flight was going to end in a very unexpected, unpleasant fashion...he could feel it, and it wasn't just the other passengers moving away that gave him the idea. The older male then proceeded to explain that the Xingese weren't quite that scary at all, and that he would show Sal something scary...Ohhh, boy. Red eyes followed as the blonde man disappeared into the pilot's chamber. There were some...unpleasant sounds coming from back there.

"Attention passengers, you are all required to wear a seatbelt now, seeing as I don't know where that seatbelt button thingy is, so yeah, just wear it. I shall demonstrate... a BARREL ROLL as Skippy compels me to do."

Eh? Sal's ears perked up, and he looked around at the other passengers, who seemed quite concerned about this new development. It was quite obvious that Nikolaus had no real idea what he was doing, as he didn't even know how to turn on the proper light to indicate the need for seat belts. The small Ishvallan grabbed the safety device and rapidly swung it across his lap, making sure it was fastened properly. The others on the plane began to scream wildly as the plane began to roll....

[FIVE MINUTES LATER]

Sal's entire being seemed to hang sloppily to the ground in resignation. Nikolaus had done a barrel roll....STRAIGHT INTO A MOUNTAIN, and CRASHED the danged thing! The two of them miraculously escaped the wreckage unscathed, and stood in a bamboo forest above. Great. Just great. Not to mention the fact that everything that came out of Nikolaus' mouth seemed to be nonsensically countered by some random occurrence. The plane exploded into bits, there was shooting going on, and then it started to RAIN. RAIN! Sal groaned and pulled his beanie further over his face. He HATED rain! With a frustrated growl-roar-scream-combo-thing, Sal began to stomp his way through the forest.

"PUGGYSWIMS, IF WE GET OUT OF HERE ALIVE, YOU WILL BUY ME LOTS OF ABBUH JUICE, AND DOUGHNUTS TOO!! HURRY UP NOW, I HATE RAIN!!"

His irises shrunk as he had a flashback that hit him about his training. Recollecting everything he did for survival training as the first thing Nikolaus instinctively did, was duck. Bullets buzzed overhead, strays, as the jungle bandits had their way with the passengers, whom were shrieking in sheer fear of the fates that await them. Some of them were screeching and squealing like pigs. It was the fat passenger whom occupied two seats in the... late plane.

"PUGGYSWIMS, IF WE GET OUT OF HERE ALIVE, YOU WILL BUY ME LOTS OF ABBUH JUICE, AND DOUGHNUTS TOO!! HURRY UP NOW, I HATE RAIN!!"

He looked at Sal with grim eyes and a grim face that shows the seriousness of such a request he gave him. As if the expression he wore was similar to a funerary visit for someone dead, dear and departed.

"Thunder-cat..." He says, letting the attention sink in, "Xing doesn't have apple juice or donuts. They drink WATER and eat meat buns! There is nothing you love about civilization can be founded in this forsaken place we're about to go to."

Standing up once again, he peered at the nasty harlots dragging away the plane people to be sold into factories, maybe plug a duck up their behinds or... WHATEVER it is bandits of the jungle do.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE I AM AN IDIOT!" the Colonel laments with a facepalm after seeing the passengers dragged away, concerned perhaps about the health of those passengers as he finally realizes his calling to heroism? "THEY'RE GOING TO BE CORPSES SOON! I'll need to get there and FAST! Dibs on the hot flight attendant! ONWARDS WE GO!" ...Or not...

Pulling out his SMG, he rushes down the valley and follows said bandits from the thick of the bamboo, stalking them. Camouflaging into the forestry. What occasional rustles heard unnerves the barbaric bandits, prompting their attention with glances yet ignored as they figure its animals. Oh yes... indeed it was a wild animal... two in fact.

They finally get into their base, with their hostages, surrounded by rusty fences, wet with the ongoing rain. Those bandits settle the hostages inside some shack before they head over to their own building with one guy watching the prisoners. All of them, stupidly unaware they brought over guests. Nikolaus kneels and watches them with a smile from outside behind some rock. He had a good eye.

"Alright Thunder-cat, here is the plan. Listen carefully, I won't repeat it twice. You have to..." Nikolaus mentions really dead serious, never had he been this serious, reaching for the inside of his pocket, and pulls out a fully sized monkey costume, dumping it over to Sal if he followed, "Dress up like a monkey, walk into their base, and steal their bananas. Make sure to bark a lot, that's what them monkeys do. For the most part, just GET their attention. Xingese LOOOVE monkeys. Don't ask how I know that. I just DO."

Or not serious at all...