The Mystery of Peterson's Desk

It was a grizzly case, everyday it doesn't get any easier. It was grizzly, there was a bucket as always, every single Sunday on Peterson's desk. Fecal matter. All the time. Despite surveillance, it's as if none of the trusted men ever caught wind of that or saw the culprit. He was as wily as a fox, and stealthy as a rat. Peterson himself was a poor case, traumatized, always with the bear crap. One can say, this was a grizzly and heinous crime.

Peterson's wife had left him, and his children always beat him up when he goes home ever since these obviously evil actions, that it must've been made by a criminal mastermind of the highest caliber. None of the men in Central were able to solve this case, so they did what they should've done earlier, call Nikolaus in.

He observed the contents of the bucket in this 2nd floor office-like environment by staring at it, it was still left on the desk, where Peterson sobbed. His assistant, Lieutenant Turnkey by his side, taking notes. A rookie, sure he may have taken down a few cases, but he doesn't have a nice hat. And EVERY DETECTIVE NEED HATS for a successful investigation. Ah well, he'll learn one day.

"Sir... did you really have to come to investigate this case? We could've sent someone else from Security to look it up... I mean you really didn't have to come here." That Lieutenant, the aide that keeps taking them notes down, Turnkey, announced.

"Lieutenant Turkey--"

"It's Turnkey sir..."

"Right, what I said. All crimes are measurably the same in one way or another. This one is clearly a motive established with malicious intent to murder, and we must find this sick psychopathic mastermind before he strikes again!" Nikolaus explains, making it obvious they are dealing with someone extremely dangerous, and cunning like no other criminals.

"Erm... Colonel sir, this is clearly just a normal case of workplace related bullyi--"

"SILENCE! I know what I said. Where is our second inspector anyways, Lieutenant Colonel Furor?"

"She should be coming soon..."

"Good, good. Just in time to conduct this investigation. We'll have the culprit caught by... SUNDOWN, or probably supper." Bold words from a bold Colonel, whom shall dispense JUSTICE as demanded by his resumé!

Hmm, Jay had recieved a strange phone call on this day about Peterson. She had ignored what she thought were rumors of the case, in favor of doing more important things. Such as sitting idly in her dark room, doing situps and such. Or at the shooting range. OR COOKING! Jay liked cooking... And fried chikin. Erm... Chicken. Anyways, she had been called down to investigate what seemed to be a most heinous crime and had thus brought with her an assistant to do assistance when she called for such things as assistance. For her assistant to assist with. Anyways, said secretarial personnel was a Ms. Betty Jenkins, of the ranking of a Captain. She turned to Jay as she walked determinatedly to her pink Mercedes, the Sexymobile, she had dubbed it.

"Umm... Boss, I don't see why we are investigating this case. I mean... Some guy just happened to have a crapload of crap on his desk. I mean... Can't Security deal with this?" It was a harmless question, and a normal, sane one to boot. But jay had immersed herself in this case, despite her prior doubts. She turned to Betty and grabbed hold of her shoulders. "CAPTAIN! Are you serious? I am the BEST in my field, girl, and there is no doubt as to why I was called in for this job! There is an INNOCENT man being CRAPPED ON! A man from our HOMELAND, CENTRAL! Are you willing to DENY that, Betty? Huh, huh, are you, are you?"

Betty was hopelessly lost but Jay was very difficult to fight with. She ALWAYS won. Jay is always right. Even when she's wrong. Jay ALWAYS tells the truth. Even when she lies. Like Scarface. Anyways, they drove at illegal speeds all the way to Peterson's office building, where they disembarked. jay walked into the building and saw there the man she would be working with. Akin to a Mr. Hei Bai, he was one of three men in the military Jay utterly respected solely for their immense reputations. Nikolaus Stuka! The great, wise Colonel made of awesome! How Jay longed to deep fry him something... Why did Jay have such sudden interests in cooking? Huh... Odd... Anyways, she walked in and saluted, grinning. "Colonel Stuka, I am to be supposing, correct?" Jay grinned once more and tipped her purple, feathered hat. "Lieutenant Colonel Jay Furor, Head of Power at Central, and weapon specialist, at your service~ I brought a lot of ammo. Figured we'd need it." Betty tried once more top fight for her cause that this was a horrible case, but Jay silenced her with a hand covering her mouth. What fun...

He looked and looked at the crap, finally drawing a few connections as he realized that this WAS really bear crap. No questions asked, all it is known as to how he had known was that when someone spends enough time in the wilderness, one can differentiate one crap from another, and this clearly was a case of a bear! Them forensic teams are in fact good at what they do... among other people good at what they do.

"Colonel Stuka, I am to be supposing, correct?" This person had a nice hat, the feather adds a good touch... goodness gracious... THIS IS A GOOD DETECTIVE! For good detectives always have great hats, "Lieutenant Colonel Jay Furor, Head of Power at Central, and weapon specialist, at your service~ I brought a lot of ammo. Figured we'd need it."

He nods, "You suppose correctly, supposed correcter Lieutenant Furor. Nice hat by the way." He shoots a glare at Turnkey, back smacking him across the face, "Why couldn't you think to bring extra ammo like her? EH?!"

"S-sir, it's just that--"

"It's just that you're incompetent EH?! Do you want to go back to making my coffee in the morning instead of being my aide?!"

"But... I was never in charge of coffee sir... I was actually a detective on a murder case until you pulled me out to solve this..."

"Yeah yeah yeah, make up excuses." He returned his glance back to Jay, pointing at the bear crap, "Well then Lieutenant Colonel Furor, what motive can you establish from this clearly heinous and malicious crime an ingenious madman clearly committed? Have any locations at mind to investigate?"

Jay nodded to Nikolaus, smiling. "Why thank you sir, I stole it off a pimp I once slain. He was a dear good friend to me until he made some rather rude sexual implications. Therefore, I KICKED THE NUTS OUT OF HIM! LITERALLY!" This was when poor Betty slapped her forehead, recieving a slight glare from Jay. "... Betty, do you wish for ME to deliver that same form of bachand to you? Tsk tsk tsk, why must you be such a cold-blooded cynic? Nevermind this, we have a case to solve!" Ah, the crap itself. Jay moved closer to it, and with her automail arm, placed two fingers in it and sniffed it, immediately screaming from the unholy smell of it. "ARRGH! THAT WAS STUPID, WHY DID YOU LET ME DO THAT, BETTY!? YOU ARE A TERRIBLE ASSISTANT!"

Calming down, she deduced that it was bear crap. Jay knew these things. She was a very avid hunter and thus knew how to track a lot of animals. She even hunted BEARS in North before, a day of PRIDE when she sawed up some bear claws... Unfortunately he was still alive and kicked her into a tree... Through a tree, actually... Several trees. But in the end, she killed it! That was what counted!

Anyways, as Betty went to stand by Turnkey, avoiding the wrath of Jay, the aforementioned Lieutenant Colonel responded to Niko's question, pacing back and forth as she did such. "Hmm... I deduce that... It was a bear! It is bear crap, I smelled it, I know! And that could only mean one thing... ctually three. First. IT WAS DRACHMA! Who else is a nation made up entirely of unicycling bears!?"

"Um, actually ma'am, Drachmans ar-"

"SILENCE FOOL! Anyways, option 2. It was a serial killer, likely named something strange and freaky. Like Animositos, WRATH. Shortened form, Animos. Unlikely, but HIGHLY LIKELY. Also, option 3, a BEAR DID IT. Bears have been known to sneak into buildings at night, smirk wickedly and crapon desks. They get a sick sexual thrill off of it. I know, for I was once attacked by a bear. He crapped his kidneys out on my desk... After I shot him in the kidneys, anyways. But yeah. Drachma, Animos, or a bear. Your choice for the first option we check."

Hah! Kicking Impressive, it was obvious this girl was rightly chosen for the team. Then again, why doesn't anyone just chose anyone leftly instead of rightly? Probably has to do with right-handedness and left-handedness. So Nikolaus stood by Jay, over her shoulders, looking at the fecal matter being poked... wait, why did she poke it? That was really unnecessary, even with automail hand.

"You didn't have to do that, Lieutenant Colonel. That's why we get assistants in the first place! To do things FOR US." Comments Nikolaus, filling his nostrils with the pungent smell of the bear crap, furthering his eyes into a state of bloodshot, tears streaming from the horrid stench. Coughing and hacking wildly, stepping back, snatching a tissue as he blew his nose unto it.

Reclaiming his righteous place, prim and proper like, he straightened his back JUST in time to listen to Jay's theory. Nodding, his nostrils flare further, letting out that smell that still lingers within. Looking at his aide with stern and determined eyes that are just plain determined.

"Start the car, Turkey. We got ourselves a lead to follow as she pointed out, who knew Drachman bears riding unicycles were behind such a diabolical thing?"

"It's Turnkey sir..."

"Yes yes, now just go start the car! We're off to the zoo."

And so he did. Nikolaus rode within the jeep as off it went to the zoo where he disembarked. Confident in Jay accompanying to such a place as filthy as this. The next thing to do is to find a bear and INTERROGATE THAT SUCKER. Not just any bear, but a Drachman bear. Briskly pacing within the zoo, that by the entrance he meets the zookeeper.

"You there, poorly smelly man." Nikolaus points his fingers accusingly at the man stained with grease on his overalls.

"I am not poor... I have money!"

"Okay okay, don't get your panties in a knot. I want to know if you have a Drachman bear, a bear, or a Drachman that's fuzzy and looks like a bear in the zoo."

"...Ohhh, that thing. Yeah, we got it, just follow me."

And so Nikolaus did, his aide tagging behind after he parked the car responsibly, sighing a lot and face palming a lot. Frustrated as if. Staring at the smelly bear from the other side of the cage, rubbing his chin.

"Turkey, take notes."

"TURNKE--"

"Shut up." Nikolaus looks at the zookeeper, "Do you remember a last time this stupid mammal's shit was taken? Any buckets or anything? Do you think it might be a Drachman unicycle riding man might be in disguise?"

"Erm... uhh..."

"DRATS! Lieutenant Colonel, I am not a people person. Care to level with this smelly fellow? Seems like he doesn't understand people speak. Try snorting, maybe that'll get him to understand." Nikolaus remarked, now its time for Jay to shine!

"But I do understand..." The smelly zookeeper, to Nikolaus's side, remarks.

"That is true, Colonel, but I had to be sure, myself. These assistants, between you and me are VERY INCOMPETENT! Yes, I understand that I screamed that. I wanted them to hear it. But yeah, they wouldn't understand what bear crap smells like. They may have eaten it." Glancing behind her, she looked over Turnkey and Betty. They almost looked like the culprits themselves, actually... Disturbing. But no matter! Nikolaus gave the order to start the car, which was when Jay told Betty to go with Niko and Turkey, who whined about being called Turkey. Comical. Then Jay disembarked to her own car, feeling as if it was NECCASARY to have such a destructive vehicle there. Who knows, maybe they would NEED a fast car with mounted machine guns and rocket launcher hood ornament? Maybe she should have brought her tank... Nah, Sexymobile was better. Anyways, she got in the car.

It was a quick drive to the zoo, and she quickly exitted the vehicle, following Niko. Jay listened cheerfully as Niko interrogated the filthy hobo-man zookeeper. Jay liked this man! He got things DONE!! At any rate, she listened until he told her to take over the interrogation. Well... Jay was also not a people person. But no matter!

"Hello Smelly-"

"I'm not smelly, I bathe every nigh-"

SILENCE. Anyways, as my friend here was asking you-" And Jay did the one thing she was GREAT AT when it came to talking the people; She moved behind him very quickly, threw him in a half nelson and grabbed his pinky and squezed it. "- TELL US IF THIS IS A REAL BEAR OR NOT!! TELL US, OR THIS COULD GET REALLY UGLY, REALLY FAST!!!"

"AAAAAAH! I don't know, I don't know, yes, maybe, WAAAAAAH!" Jay released him, being the kindred spirit she was. But then she kicked him in the head and sighed.

"I think the bear-man-thing must have brainwashed him. He is of no use to us. Betty, I grant you permission to have your way with him."

"WHAT!? I don't want to-"

"SILENCE, I SAID! My GOSH, Betty, you are SUCH a whiner! Just SAY. NO. Next time! Man, assisstants these days... So uppity... Anyways, how about we investigate that unicycling mammal of the bear family, eh?"

Contemplatively, Nikolaus stared at the cage. The bear was having its way humping the hunk of raw steak supposed to be its meal. Jay was busy procuring some information heroically from the smelly zookeeper. Such a useful gal she was. Though there was something about this bear... Nikolaus looked at it, then Nikolaus sneezed.

"Bless you." The bear politely says.

"Thanks." Nikolaus replies to this awfully bear, boy does it have manners, just why don't other stupid mammals have manners like this be--

WAITAMINUTE. This wasn't ANY BEAR.

"YOU FUCKER! YOU'RE A CHIMERA!"

Reaching for his holster, he brandished that SMG of his, Nikolaus rushed and fired a shot at the lock, kicking open the cage door as he leaps past the fence. Sprinting after the bear which was pretty much fast as a slippery bastard. It actually was agile and dexterous enough to scale such a fence and run by the sidewalks, clearing past the crowds in the hustle and bustle. Damn rush hour.

"Jay! Stop that little fucker! QUICK! BEFORE HE GETS AWAY!" Nikolaus puffed and huffed in his breath, panting, "AND DON'T KILL IT EITHER!"

And so Nikolaus chased it, holstering his weapon, pushing those dumb crowd aside as he was right behind that bear-like Chimera. It had an evil look on its face that screamed out SUSPECT!

Jay finally finished her interrogation, just as Niko began yelling about something. What? What was she supposed to be chasing? Then she saw it; A BIG bear-man-thing, possibly even a MAN-BEAR-PIG. Those are freaky. So she began tailing it, charging after it quickly on foot. She threw her car keys to her loyal assistant, who sighed, slapped her forhead and went to be a good little valet.

Soon enough, just as Jay expected, there was a randomly placed ramp near a winding, rapidfire, rough river. And also expected, she was right up on him as he jumped the river from the ramp, and Jay managed to tackle him to the ground in midair, landing the pair of them on a moving canoe, heading down the river. Casually, Jay slapped her handcuffs on the bear-man, and told him to sit still. She then turned to see where the next place was that they could get off was, but saw a large waterfall... With pointy rocks... And for whatever reason, angry hippos?! Seriously where did Amestris GET these things? The 90s cliche` store? Oh, yeah and "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!"

Nikolaus slowed down to see Jay had caught up to the bear. Grabbing the ramp as he played the observer's role, running the same pace as the canoe, waving to Jay. Yelling out to her, trying to tell her that there was in fact a new river was in fact here, and there were sharp rocks. But his voice was inaudible as the running water was louder. Shouting to get off the damn canoe and -- oh, looks like he was too late.

Nikolaus looked down, giving a moment of silence for Jay, that Central has lost a really capable agent, and a high ranked official at that, it's just that there were so many Central folks dying left and right, Nikolaus was beginning to think his time might pop up. Oh crap, he really has to beware of that. What the Hell is up with being high ranked and dying?! Is it because they are close to Spade?! Shula Brighton made a good decision to leave before dying.

Shrugging as he leaves the place, "Ah well, I'll just call it a day and stop by McRonald's."

That said, Nikolaus backtracked his way, whistling a tune. Thinking about what he'll fill his paperwork by, until a vehicle stopped in front of him, his and Jay's assistant, both in the same car, Jenkins being the driver.

"Sir, where'd the suspect go? What happened?" Asks Turnkey filled with that certain curiosity.

"She died, fell down a waterfall. I am off to eat McRonald's in tribute to her! She was a good person, for a good person. People die if they were killed." The Colonel replies.

"She WHAT?!" There she goes, that loudmouth, Jenkins, sounds off. A smack follows her face swiftly, and kindly. Reminding her not to raise her voice.

"I said what I meant, and I meant what I said, so shut your face and don't raise your voice around me. Now I am off to have lunch. Turkey, you're welcome to join me."

With that said, Nikolaus leaves, bravely, and handsomely. Leaves to the nearest McRonald's, enjoying a Royal Mac burger when he steps inside and orders. As the two aides left their cars, rushing down a set of stairs, finding Jay below the waterfall and that Drachman man-bear-pig thing that Aru Gory keeps ranting about. Worried obviously.

A scream as she fell off the waterfall. And with good reason! There were pointy rocks! But Jay was stronger than waterfalls! She grabbed the man-bear-pig by the scruff of his neck and jumped from the canoe into the river. Which seemed rather pointless, actually... But the point is, she jumped the pointy things and now all she had to worry about was drowning! Which was rather likely... She heard car engines in the nearby distance. Ah crap, Niko was probably going to go home, believing Jay had been killed in action! People never die when they are killed! NEVER. Except for when they do. So clenching the smelly chimera type thing in her teeth by his furry scruff, she swam as hard as she could and eventually made it to the shore. Hmm... Waterfall... Rocks... Wait. WHAT ABOUT THE HIPPOS!? Jay managed to just throw the chimera thing onto the shore when she heard a loud bellow behind her. She turned in the water, clutching a rock so as not to swim away. There, swimming at her were two giant angry hippos.
"You hungry, hungry, huh? Well I am not on the menu!"
Fortunately, Jay didn't need to perform any serious ACTION to accompany such a sexy-good one liner, because two aides came to take her body somewhere, and finding her alive, came onto the scene amazed. Uuuntil the hippos ate them. Huh. Life works in weird freaky ways... Anyways, Jay started back to the shore. She FINALLY got man-bear-pig over her shoulder and hauled him all the way back to civilization. Of course, there she was attacked by a rabid possum. So she went to the hospital, got three rabies shots, and watched as man-bear-pig got six. Sucker. Being big and such.

Oh yes, then Jay finally found a McRonalds, and not even an hour after her river accident, she was standing, ruggedly awesome, man-bear-pig over her shoulder and a bandaid on her arm, in front of Niko, grinning

"It would take more than a river to take me out~"

(bump)

By then, Nikolaus, being the paragon of dieting and healthy habits, munched on the greasiest McRonald's burger out there. That each bite oozed this meat-like fluids from the burger itself, and for some reason, an eye on the meat blinked. Probably must be the gases and nothing wrong with McRonald's food.

"Tastes like people." The officer comments, munching some more further meat until down to the last bite. Wiping his mouth with his sleeves. It was something manly people do, showing they don't need tissues. Tissues are for sissies. Besides, the greasy stain only darkened his collar cuffs slightly. It was barely notable.

An eyebrow raised to see a ghost. Someone whom he thought was dead (rather he was too lazy to search for her and just decided to call her dead to save the effort.) Jay has come back from the dead! Or was never really dead to begin with. Point being, Nikolaus gave a smile and stood up from the chair he occupied. Rubbing his hands.

"Ah good! I wouldn't have had it any other way. I rather an ocean flatten you than a lousy river." Nikolaus jests, brushing aside the tray and whatever there was on the table, clearing it up, "Place that guilty fucker Chimera here, we're gonna be extracting the information. Oh, and spread its legs."

He looked at the rest of the fatties in the restaurant, "Alright porkies, clear up the restaurant. This is a security matter. Buzz off, take your food and head away. A little exercise would do you good in your life." Orders the Colonel, they complied. It was a good thing McRonald's installed such huge doors to allow the fat people through until there were nobody left in the restaurant.

"Time to begin our interrogation~"

Jay grinned. "Yep, that'd be the best way to go!~ If an ocean could be manly enough to pull down my awesomeness into its depths, that is. But it is indeed good to see you again, Niko! Wonderful choice of eateries by the way." Smiling also at the awesrticken assistants, even Betty who was both awestricken and horrified. Actually, Betty had been hoping the hippos, possum, rapids, pointy rocks, or man-bear-pig would have killed Jay... No matter, Jay forgave her! At any rate, Jay did as instructed and placed the large beast onto the tabletop, using place mats and coloring books to keep the table clean from his FILTH. She then spread his legs apart, before puking on the assistants from the reek of his erm... Inner thighs. Yes, not anything else, just his inner thighs. Sick perverted readers...