Dai's Journal...

September 7, 2010

Argh... I can't take it much longer...

We're supposed to be shipping out to Central today, and yet I can't get her out of head. I don't know what to do. I mean, I know there's some unwritten rule about it, something that pretty much says that you shouldn't mix business with pleasure, or make pleasure part of your business, but I really don't know. I can't began to describe how confused I am.

I mean, I'm prepared for today. Mentally and physically... I think. Killing Father... It's a tough ask. But what if one of us were to die today? I wouldn't be able to contain my grief. I shouldn't be thinking about this, but I can't not think about it. I just can't. It's as if all that's in my head is Reila, Reila, Reila, and I can't do anything about it!

Maybe I should just bite the bullet. Yeah, thinking about it, that sounds like a good idea now. But what if... what if my hunch is wrong. Reila's a good friend of mine, and if anything were to happen to that friendship... It's not something to think about. No, maybe I should just tell her. No more hiding from it.

If we get through this -- No, when we get through this, after Father's lifeless body hits the ground, I'm telling her. I'm gonna tell Reila Tsukino that I love her.

I'll make sure of it.

Right now, I'm not sure where my head's at. I'm writing these words carefully and specifically, trying to put as much of the truth into them as I can. I will make one thing clear - maybe these mental blocks won't affect my writing.

I am completely and totally in love with Reila, and I am completely devoted to this woman and her happiness. That much I know. It's not just something I think, I'm sure of it. As for everything else, even though I know it's not true, my mind's telling me that everything's my fault. The very fact that I can write these words truthfully is proof that it only affects my vocal thoughts, the ones that I bring up and cause to leave my mouth.

I think those mind tricks haven't been broken. The ones that made me forgo my ties with Briggs internally, the ones that I thought had gone. Yeah, those ones. Maybe I still had lingering doubt in my mind, I don't know. But that original doubt is gone, and yet it remains. Honestly, I don't understand it myself. I need to tell her the truth. If I don't, then I might lose her forever, and Mura and Xan might lose her too. I have acted like I don't care, recently. That's a lie. Everything these days is a lie, even to myself, it seems. But for some reason, this comes naturally; I believe these words like nothing else. Feelings are eternal, it seems, and I chuckle at the thought.

Because it's what saved me last time. And it's why I could feel like I did, despite everything. Because he never got to my heart. Even if my mind isn't my own, I can rest assured about my heart, so that makes me glad that I can write this without feeling like this is wrong, like everything else that's happening. I think that's the big problem here, I'm thinking about everything too hard. So I'll stop thinking about it, and trust my instincts. I can worry about getting over this slump when I know Reila's at least friends with me again.

Because if I lose her completely... I don't know. I don't even know. That would be the stupidest decision that I ever made, and the worst possibility for me.